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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in gut's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, January 28th, 2010
2:20 am
A Useful Object.
I am a needle.

I am a useful object.

I want to be treated like a useful object, like boots that are shined.

Or an electric razor that gets cleaned before you put it back in its box.

When used improperly I cause damage like a folding chair, or an escalator.

Or a knife left to rust and you cut your finger and it hurts, but I've also poisoned you, and you haven't had a tetanus shot in nine years...or is it ten?

It was not my choice or intention. Unmaintained, uncared for, I will oxidize, and there is no shame in that.
Monday, January 18th, 2010
8:54 am
15 years of Floating Seeds.
It's been a long time since I have felt this good. But I must say, I'm feeling very good.

I have come to a solid conclusion about life and love and I think I'm over the past.

My conclusion is that love is all about circumstance. Pursuing love on any other basis, can work out, but adds a layer of complexity and artificiality. So, I have know for years but have looked for other answers to confirm it by contradiction...

Love is standing in a field where those seed fuzzies are floating through the air. If you grab at them, the pressure will displace them, and you will have nothing. Nay, all you must do is stand in the field and wait with hands out, and the seed will get caught on the imperfections in your skin. Then you may choose to slowly close your hand around the seed...or not.

I have known this since I was 16, but patience is boring, and I get easily distracted and caught up.

Anyway, the point is that I'm feeling very good about life.
Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009
3:53 am
I am your home.
So I wrote a math song that I really like, but every time I listen to it, I hear a different song, and so I wrote that version after I finished the first version.

Apparently I can never go home.

At least until I find a new home.

This is difficult, people have been encouraging me to settle down and the rest will come to me.

My song told me in no uncertain terms that I am incapable of making a home for myself by myself.

That is why I can't put down roots, and I'm very ambivalent about it because I want roots, and I obviously feel like Minneapolis is home, but I still don't have what I need to make a home.

I am also becoming more and more detached. I often find myself watching myself having moments that I should be present for. Or worse, watching the situation unfold as I do not step into it and live. I am here to watch what happens. It is not my place to interfere. This kind of thinking is conducive to watching the world burn.

It's all related. When I am a person again, I will care about the rest of the world.

For now, I will take care of myself.
Sunday, November 15th, 2009
11:09 am
When the apple is ripe, it will fall.
Sunday, September 13th, 2009
5:29 am
6 days.
It is six days to Rosh Ha'Shana.

5769 has been the first year of my life that was not better than the last. But I think it will be an aberration. I have high hopes for 5770. Three more months to get through...and then...
Thursday, September 3rd, 2009
2:48 pm
When memory failed, as it so often did, he turned to deduction. There is really no way to know if that is the same fork I was using before...but if it was, it should feel hot from the water. He touched it and it was hot, and as there were no other forks present or likely to be correct, he continued about his business.
1:52 am
As the death-clock ticks away.
Marc sits alone contemplating if he has irreconcilably ruined his life. He knows the answer is no, but that's small conciliation, as he catalogs all of the things that are terribly wrong. He can't do this however without considering all the things that are terribly right and good and lucky...and then I say, "I have lost everything...just not all at once." which he likes as a concept as much as he likes mixing his point of view mid sentence. There can be no self-pity nor any desire to be pitiable. He's not, and he hates victims even more than arbitrary human-made rules...especially structural ones...he actually loves arbitrary human-made rules, because they provide the structure which allows you to know you are deviating from the path can be the most dangerous and the most rewarding thing you can do and living in the woods, these metaphoric woods are not a bad place to live but after awhile it gets tiring and confusing and you know that everyone who followed the trail markings while not in a "better" place at least knows where they are regardless whether they brought their compass. I brought my compass but I forgot to label which way was North so I just had to choose a point which I call Nort because I always thought that 'Naught' was 'Nort' it was so long before I ever realized it that I decided if one can go 27 years thinking that Naught is Nort, it's really no problem, and anyway it's my compass and it will lead me to Fisherman's Beach...wherever that may be.

Marc knows what he wants, but there has been a large investment of time into something else and he's gotten too deep into the woods to back out, he must continue to follow his stupid compass with no guarantee that anything positive will come of it and there may be bears. He's here alone...and no one can take that away from him...or more accurately anyone can take that away from him, but will he let them? Probably not. No one deserves to be in a hole they did not dig themselves, and no one deserves to be lost in the woods...and how much stuff do you have to build to no longer be lost. If Marc stops and builds a shelter that he lives in like Thoreau and stops paying his taxes like Thoreau...Okay...to be fair Thoreau never stopped paying his taxes, just the portion that went to the war, possibly the Spanish American war, I could look it up if I wanted to be smart about this, but the writing should be pure...which leads me to admit the fact that I did look up Nort, but only because I can never remember if it's me or the rest of the world that has stayed the same while I was out and when I came back to my shelter I knew where I was, I was home, and not lost in a sentence or the woods, which must come with some kind of complacency...lost indicates a desire to be somewhere else, and the zen approach is to accept where I am, but it would be awful to stay here.

The Thesis is simple: Follow through, kicking and screaming, and accept the fact that you have a long way to go.

Current Mood: anxious
Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009
1:57 am
Commencing core dump:

I am happy because Album #1 is all but complete today, every once in a while I realize that I am sacrificing lots of comforts to make this happen, but I don't notice, perhaps because I am just not used to them anymore or because I am self medicating enough that I feel like everything is okay. I have no real idea of what my future is anymore, and that is very irritating to me, because I continue to not do things that would make me happy in the moment, in favor of making actions that will make my future better, when I will also put off happiness for a better future, and in seeing this from a step back perhaps it must stop.

However I hesitate to do that, because the second thing I am finding about myself is that in the general case I am really afraid of causing other people pain, and that fear/respect of/for other people stops me again from doing things that would make me happy in the present.

So I will continue to work on my projects and do them, and stay away from things that will make me happy now. Because at least completing projects will make me relatively happy.
Wednesday, December 24th, 2008
2:47 am
I went to a Rock Show tonight because M1 was playing in a Metal Band. Ouija Radio also played a set which was exciting for all of us.

BUT! when I got home tonight and logged in I found my Userpic had changed into a chocolate. I have changed my password, but am keeping the chocolate. At least for now.

I don't actually think anyone messed with it, I think it's more likely to be one of those things that happens all the time when you have enough data.

So yeah. Maybe I will give it eyes.
Wednesday, December 17th, 2008
2:23 am
Last night I decided my room was warm, but the floor was cold, and if my throat is going to improve I need to sleep where the air is warmer.

Today I accomplished a lot!

I found a bedframe on craigslist, got it, accepted my job for real now, set up an appointment with HR, got an official transcript, bought a scarf, bought the missing wood for the bed frame, ate food, watched a movie, and built the frame.

Things not accomplished today:

Working on songs.
Dressing myself.

But tomorrow is another day and I will have another chance to work on songs and dress myself.
Sunday, December 14th, 2008
3:39 am
Job Interview
Them: What would you do to help kids who are struggling with math?

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<some [...] work,>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

Them: What would you do to help kids who are struggling with math?

Me: <Some answer based on my previous work, I talk about locking students in a room.>

Them: How would you help students if we asked you to teach an Algebra 1 or 2 class?

Me: Well I'd hate to teach Algebra 1 because that class is a lie.

Them: We would like you to teach Algebra 1 here. Do what you have to do. You have my full support.

There may have been more dialog between some of these lines, but that was pretty much how it went down.
Monday, December 1st, 2008
5:44 pm
December 1st 2008 - The Move.
I moved into my room today!

It has been at least 2 and a half years since I have slept in my own bed.

I have a bed now, it rocks! It is made of foam and was here when I got here along with some other awesome things and some horribly unspeakable things.

Awesome Things:

A foam bed!
A sweet wig!
A bookshelf,
A bench,
A droopy balloon animal giraffe,
A lamp.

Unspeakable Things:
No. Never to speak of.

I also found a sweet tabley-shelfy-thing in the alley outside of the Kave, and it is now optimizing the space here for my boxes. And I found my old sheets in storage, which I didn't think were there! AND I WAS COOKING AND SOME OF MY BOWLS ARE STILL HERE!!!!

They are like friends that talk to me while I'm cooking. I have actually missed them.

I also have awesome house-mates, and there is a kitten who lives here!

It is a good day :)
Wednesday, November 26th, 2008
12:58 pm
The last two weeks have been full of good friends. Good distractions.

Today is the first day of loneliness, but that will change.

The desire to socialize is overwhelming, and so is the desire to get things done.

Working at the Tea-Bar will solve some of this.

Boundaries. Demarcation. Scheduled work time. Cannot be compromised.

But will be.
Sunday, November 16th, 2008
10:04 pm
Hip-Hop Voltron
I don't know if I think this is cool or just cheap marketing. If you're only going to watch one part, watch Part 5.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

I guess I think it was cool enough to link to it.

8 days from now I will be back in Minneapolis.
Monday, November 3rd, 2008
5:37 pm
Back to 2004
I am spiraling backward to 2004.

It was time to choose a president.
My mutual funds were worth about $17 a share.
I was spending more time at the Emerson house.

All of these things are coming true again.

This time I will see what it is like to move in a different direction.
Monday, October 20th, 2008
7:07 pm
Beware Seismic Activity.
I voted today!
Sunday, October 19th, 2008
1:54 pm
I am going through my ballot, and looking up people, so far everything has made sense until I compared the 4 candidates for Soil and Water Conservation District Supervisor District 3.

The Candidates:

One of these candidates is not like the other...can you tell which one?
Sunday, October 12th, 2008
12:03 am
Absentee Voting is Awesome!
I can look up all of the county stuff online while I have the ballot in my hands.

I know I should do that before I go vote, but I don't.

Now I can take my time and carefully choose Soil and Water Conservation District Supervisor, like a good citizen.
Wednesday, October 8th, 2008
4:05 am
Things I learned today.
Today was a good day. Many tasks were completed, and I am slowly but surely realizing that I am leaving here in 3 days. For the first time in a while packing must be carefully planned because I am not driving and I need to bring everything for work.

It leads to a dilemma of the true priority of bringing costumes with me. Knowing full well that I have already ruined my Halloween by not being around people that I know.

Still, gotta make the most of it.

My sister took me to play Trivia at the corner bar tonight. Apparently it's a big thing in Atlanta. It was actually exactly like the Trivia in the Aqua Teen, where they play the trivia.

I learned a new word today: Wether.
Tuesday, October 7th, 2008
4:08 am
It happened!
Okay something happened!

I was going through my backup drive and cleaning up the mp3s and such,
and I came across a folder of Blink 182, and I'm like, "I don't have that."
So I looked in it, and there was only one song, "Stay Together for the Kids."
I've never heard this song before, so I play it.

And Rock over London Rock over Chicago it's not "Stay Together for the Kids." by Blink 182,
it is in fact, "Casper the Homosexual Ghost." by Wesley Willis.

And now I can go to bed with a smile.
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