June 2nd, 2009



Commencing core dump:

I am happy because Album #1 is all but complete today, every once in a while I realize that I am sacrificing lots of comforts to make this happen, but I don't notice, perhaps because I am just not used to them anymore or because I am self medicating enough that I feel like everything is okay. I have no real idea of what my future is anymore, and that is very irritating to me, because I continue to not do things that would make me happy in the moment, in favor of making actions that will make my future better, when I will also put off happiness for a better future, and in seeing this from a step back perhaps it must stop.

However I hesitate to do that, because the second thing I am finding about myself is that in the general case I am really afraid of causing other people pain, and that fear/respect of/for other people stops me again from doing things that would make me happy in the present.

So I will continue to work on my projects and do them, and stay away from things that will make me happy now. Because at least completing projects will make me relatively happy.